Day 91.5: HOW TO GET ARRESTED IN DURBAN TOWN

A few weeks ago I got a phone call from the Ethekwini Municipality, demanding that I return the calculator I had stolen from the electricity department (see day 60). Somehow the incompetent bastards had figured out how to use a telephone. The Angry Lady from the Ethekwini Municipality on the phone said that if I didn’t return their (now my) calculator by 12pm, they were going to set a forensic audit on me. Sheesh. A forensic audit. What the fuck is that? Images of me flirting with some nerdy yet incredibly sexy forensic audit guy in a white lab coat, while he dabbed ink on my thumbs and got my fingerprints flashed through my mind. Maybe we’d fall for each other and have forensic audit babies together. Sounds cool. Bring it on Angry Lady from the Ethekwini Municipality. I phoned a friend that I deem to be knowledgeable in these sort of areas, just to double check that this was in fact going to be the case. There was a long silence on the other end of the line.

Knowledgeable yet grumpy friend: But Rachel, I thought you were joking about the stolen calculator.

R. Brown: Why would I PRETEND to steal a calculator and hold it ransom? I wanted my fucking rate number!

Knowledgeable yet grumpy friend: Well, stealing their calculator is not going to get you a rate number.

R. Brown: Can they arrest me?

Knowledgeable yet grumpy friend: Yes. You have basically admitted to theft. I would return it if I was you.

 

Shit. Balls.

 

I phone the Angry Lady at the Ethekwini Municipality:

R. Brown: Hi Angry Lady. I’m not sure if you noticed in the pic I sent of the calculator in the email, but I’ve painted it black. Is that going to be a problem?

Long silence before The Angry Lady bursts into laughter.

Angry Lady: No. Just return the calculator.

R. Brown: Are you sure? I could get you guys a new one. I really don’t feel like being arrested today.

Angry Lady: Yes. I’m sure. How old are you?

R. Brown: 25

Angry Lady makes a ‘tut-tut’ sound, as if that explains everything.

Angry Lady: And what do you do for a living?

R. Brown: I’m an Art Director.

Angry Lady: Well Miss Art Director, I’m going to frame that calculator and put it on the wall next to your email.

R. Brown: Oh….Ok.

I return the defaced calculator to the Angry Lady who says she has found my rate number. Too late Angry Lady, but thanks for finally getting around to doing your job. Eish, Ethekwini.