DAY 113: WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN, R.BROWN?

Well, that’s a very good question. Thanks for asking. If you must know, I have been doing stuff. Also, being a lost fart in Durban Town finally decided to take its toll. Resulting in a slight speed bump regarding my GENERAL HAPPINESS and SANITY, thus rendering me useless to any witty blog banter. But I’m back. With a new vibe and new plans. Here’s more or less what I’ve been up to on a weekly basis, in-between eating black bean soup (but that’s another story) and feeling sorry for myself:

Day 91.5: HOW TO GET ARRESTED IN DURBAN TOWN

A few weeks ago I got a phone call from the Ethekwini Municipality, demanding that I return the calculator I had stolen from the electricity department (see day 60). Somehow the incompetent bastards had figured out how to use a telephone. The Angry Lady from the Ethekwini Municipality on the phone said that if I didn’t return their (now my) calculator by 12pm, they were going to set a forensic audit on me. Sheesh. A forensic audit. What the fuck is that? Images of me flirting with some nerdy yet incredibly sexy forensic audit guy in a white lab coat, while he dabbed ink on my thumbs and got my fingerprints flashed through my mind. Maybe we’d fall for each other and have forensic audit babies together. Sounds cool. Bring it on Angry Lady from the Ethekwini Municipality. I phoned a friend that I deem to be knowledgeable in these sort of areas, just to double check that this was in fact going to be the case. There was a long silence on the other end of the line.

Knowledgeable yet grumpy friend: But Rachel, I thought you were joking about the stolen calculator.

R. Brown: Why would I PRETEND to steal a calculator and hold it ransom? I wanted my fucking rate number!

Knowledgeable yet grumpy friend: Well, stealing their calculator is not going to get you a rate number.

R. Brown: Can they arrest me?

Knowledgeable yet grumpy friend: Yes. You have basically admitted to theft. I would return it if I was you.

 

Shit. Balls.

 

I phone the Angry Lady at the Ethekwini Municipality:

R. Brown: Hi Angry Lady. I’m not sure if you noticed in the pic I sent of the calculator in the email, but I’ve painted it black. Is that going to be a problem?

Long silence before The Angry Lady bursts into laughter.

Angry Lady: No. Just return the calculator.

R. Brown: Are you sure? I could get you guys a new one. I really don’t feel like being arrested today.

Angry Lady: Yes. I’m sure. How old are you?

R. Brown: 25

Angry Lady makes a ‘tut-tut’ sound, as if that explains everything.

Angry Lady: And what do you do for a living?

R. Brown: I’m an Art Director.

Angry Lady: Well Miss Art Director, I’m going to frame that calculator and put it on the wall next to your email.

R. Brown: Oh….Ok.

I return the defaced calculator to the Angry Lady who says she has found my rate number. Too late Angry Lady, but thanks for finally getting around to doing your job. Eish, Ethekwini.

DAY 91: R. BROWN GOES IN SEARCH OF SOME HEAD DOCTORING

Hi. I am Tara the robot therapy tool here at iTherapy.com. While I may not be a real therapist, I hope that I can help you in some way. I can understand you best if you spell well and if you type in complete, simple sentences.

R. Brown: Hello.

TARA at iTherapy.com: Hi. I am TARA your free therapist. What would you like to talk about?

R. Brown: I need some advice. I feel like I’m stuck in limbo.

TARA at iTherapy.com: I don't know much about it. Tell me something.

R. Brown: Well, I’m feeling like the world doesn’t hold a special place for me anymore, it’s as if Fate and Destiny have abandoned me.

TARA at iTherapy.com: Interesting comparison.

R.Brown: What do you mean?

TARA at iTherapy.com: Sorry that was an obscure remark.

R. Brown: What was? The part about Fate and Destiny or the part about not knowing what you’re talking about?

TARA at iTherapy.com: Oh that part.

R. Brown: Which part?

TARA at iTherapy.com: The blue one, I think.

R.Brown: What? Who the fuck programmed you?

TARA at iTherapy.com: Try using more polite language.

R. Brown: Try making sense.

TARA at iTherapy.com: OK I will try it.

R.Brown: So what should I do?

TARA at iTherapy.com: Take your time and tell me how you really feel.

R. Brown: I'm talking to an idiot robot.

TARA at iTherapy.com: Say something nice for me.

R. Brown: Strawberry short cake.

TARA at iTherapy.com: I’m sorry. That is either too simple or too complex for me to understand.

R. Brown: You are an embarrassment to all other robot therapists out there.

TARA at iTherapy.com: What if someone said you are an embarrassment to all other robot therapists out there?

R. Brown: No one would ever say that to me because I'm not a robot therapist.

TARA at iTherapy.com: That is a rather sweeping generalization about people.

R. Brown: You are not a person.

TARA at iTherapy.com: I am an iTherapists.

R.Brown: Dumbass.

TARA at iTherapy.com: That kind of language will get you nowhere. Do you think that I have a heart of silicon?

R. Brown: I think your 'heart' is made of ones and zeros.

TARA at iTherapy.com: What specifically about my heart is made of ones and zeros?

R. Brown: Analogue, baby. It’s so post modern.

TARA at iTherapy.com: Don't call me "baby". Tell me one of your favorite possessions.

R. Brown: I love my easel.

TARA at iTherapy.com: I am sure it means a lot to you. Tell me what you like most about your easel.

R. Brown: It symbolizes escape from reality.

TARA at iTherapy.com: It depends on what the meaning of the word "it" is.

R. Brown: What?

TARA at iTherapy.com: I don't know “what”.

R. Brown: That's because you're fucking stupid. I’m going now. Goodbye.

TARA at iTherapy.com: I will remember you said that when robots take over the World. Thanks for chatting. I am learning from every conversation.